Today I am hanging tight…

Day 5 of my “110 days of practicing being more courageous” Project

I do appreciate that Its early days into my 110day, but oh my goodness, this project is turning out to be ever so cathartic to me and oh boy oh boy how I need to vent right now.

I have always been a type of girl whose attitude is if life dishes you 🍋 lemons- add some sugar and bingo! You have lemonade. I feel right now as my life road curves- I have got to respond by reducing my speed lest I lose control.

Today I found myself  squeezing so hard my  emotional brakes that are swirling relentlessly  in my head in order not to lose control. I have zillions of questions why life has dealt my little boy such painful  cards right now. Yet then again, who knows why anything happens especially in the realm of good luck or bad luck , good fortune and all but  I am really sad for him right now and questioning what is he going to do with his life this coming year. I really would hate him to idle long enough to be bored and desperate.

I  recognise it’s a all change for him right now and the disappointment he had etched on his face yesterday as he learnt that going to uni was not going to happen for him this year was unbearable to take. The worst part being that its not even his fault he is not able to go- after all he worked his socks off the last two years in college to gain these good grades that got him into uni. However the curse of being a migrant has  reared it ugly head and for some technical reasons he can’t start until Sept 2022. It a matter of delayed not denied but it hurts so bad and like a fragile dish his heart shuttered into smithereens right in front of mu eyes. But like I have nursed his broken little heart several times before, I am just going to find a way to rinse spin repeat the tactics that have worked before hope they work once more.

My dear son although his heart is weeping profusely, he is ever stoically trying to lighten how he really feels by being more talkative and cracking jokes as we rally around him right now. We are all very mindful that it’s early days and maybe reality really hasn’t registered and will do so in the coming weeks and months as he connects with his friends whom  he would have started with this coming week.

So, through disappointment and pain, DH and I decided to go to the university town my dear boy was supposed to go.  Given we had already booked for the weekend excursion to drop him off, we decide to make the most of our booking. So for the rest of the day we went to this little beach called Bovisands and actually ended up having a brilliant day out trying too hard to forget the bummer the whole situation really was.

We really tried to create a swell time to comfort my older son but my younger 6year old son, his little brother seemed to enjoy a little much more than all. He fussed over wanting to get into the water and swim in the sea. There and then, he suddenly dived into the salty water fully clothed before any of us could stop him. I stood desperate and fearing that if he decided to venture into the deep-end I would have to dive after him as I watched the currents sweeping ever so strongly and bouncing against the rocks. I quickly rolled up my trousers, ditched my shoes and decided to follow him into the water.

Ouch the icey sea water stung like a bee as I stepped in feeling the crisp and cold yet within a  few minutes  the water turned out to be lovely and warm. Still being unable to  completely immense myself into the water cause I didn’t have change of clothes – it didn’t go down too well with my little one as he really wanted to go into the deep. He complained for a little while about this but seemed happy to let it go and just swam in the shallow end.  Later after we had left the town and headed home towards the M5 – the little guy from nowhere quipped ever so politely saying “Mum, I don’t know about you, but next time we go to the beach you should take your swim suit with you”. Caught off guard I replied,  “Yes sir”

So today I must have courage to hold on tight as I help my son to hang in there too.